2006 In Review

Overall

It was a good year. It was year two of my marriage, which is by far the best thing that's happened to me in my life. My spouse, Nicole, and her two kids have been the biggest part of my life for another year. It's been fun, hard, exciting, enlightening, trying, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Health-wise, things have been mixed. I didn't get any major colds or illnesses. I joined Weight Watchers for some weight loss. It's been slow, but steady. My right knee keeps getting worse. I have practically no cartilage left in it and the arthritis can be a show-stopper a lot of the time. I've been doing deep-water running on a regular basis again. That helps because I can't really walk more than a couple hundred yards without being in pain. Family health hasn't faired so well. Nicole experienced repeated urinary tract infections. She finally found out the probably culprit is that what's left of her prostate is constricting her urethra. My mom, who is now 87, is getting more frail and was hospitalized for heart issues three times in the last 6 months of the year. My sister is still trying to live with celiac disease, fibromyalgia, and Meniere's disease. I know the last one is certain. I'm not sure about the first two. She seems to be perpetually in search of a disease in order to explain her dis-ease (two words intentional). Last, but not least, my father-in-law and his sister both died in 2006.

Part Deux Et Al
Nicole had the second part of her SRS surgeries in January. It was the labiaplasty. She opted to have a BA as well. Both were done at the same time and both went well. Dr. Meltzer is fabulous! Not directly related, Nicole began experiencing repeated UTIs in the spring and summer. At first we thought it was partly due to her bike riding. But after a visit to the urologist it turned out to be her prostate that's constricting her urethra. I wonder if Nicole's hormone use made her already small prostate smaller and, thus, caused the constriction of the urethra. Nobody thinks it was the surgery. In any event, the condition has been relieved with medication.

Tour de Cure and Other Sports

More than 20.8 million Americans have diabetes — including more than 5 million who don't even know it. An additional 54 million people have pre-diabetes, putting them at great risk for developing type 2 diabetes. And, 1 out of every 3 Americans born in the year 2000 will develop diabetes. Pretty scary, huh? Those facts come from the American Diabetes Association. To help raise money for a cure Nicole and I volunteered to help ADA last year. ADA sponsors rides throughout the country to raise money, and in June Nicole and I went to Albany, NY, where in nearby Stillwater ADA had such a ride. Actually, they had a 10, 25, 50, 75, and 100 mile ride in Stillwater. Nicole did the 25. She mentions this in her blog, but she is too modest. What she doesn't say is that in the Stillwater rides she ranked in the top 25 of individual fund raisers out of over 1500 riders. Pretty significant! I'll brag for her because I'm very proud of her!! I volunteered to be a photographer. I shot over 500 pictures with Nicole's mighty Canon Rebel Digital SLR camera and donated them all to ADA. Some of them got published on the site and in some other publications. The ADA folks thought it was pretty cool of me to transfer all the photos to CD right there after the ride. I did it on my Apple PowerBook G4. It was a lot of fun to do. I covered the 25-mile ride by following the pack that Nicole was in from start to finish (no, I didn't ride; I cheated and used my car!).

After the ADA ride success, Nicole has decided to try an Iron Girl Triathlon (1k swim, 30k ride, and 5k run). Her parents and kids all think she's crazy. "Why would Dad want to do that?" the 15-year-old asked me one day. Well, it seems I'm the only family member truly supporting this, but what the heck! She's my honey! Besides, I get to go along, cheer her on, and take pictures. For months now she's been going on road rides almost every weekend. She's joined an online forum for women cyclists and triathletes where she's met some local fellow enthusiasts. At times she spends so much time on that forum reading and posting that I've taken to calling her my mouse potato! Nicole has been running and taking swim lessons from my water aerobics coach to improve her stroke. Biking is no problem. The triathlon isn't till August 2007, but it should pay off nicely with the training starting early. One thing has come up, though. Now that Nicole has "the bug," she is wondering about trying a shorter, "sprint" triathlon sometime prior to next August so she can get one under her belt and not be a total tri-virgin. Something tells me there will be more. Nicole loves to challenge herself. Biking alone filled the void for a while. Rock-climbing fell by the wayside in 2006. So now she's trying triathlons. Whatever it is, I support her trying it.

Me? I'm just continuing with my deep water running. My knee appreciates it.

SO Affairs
My involvement with a local trans support group diminished greatly as the year went on. I was on the Board of Directors of this group and functioned as the Significant Other liaison or representative. In the first part of the year I witnessed so much in-fighting, disrespect, unprofessional behavior, and fiscal irresponsibility that by the beginning of the summer I was contemplating leaving. Nicole, who was elected to the Board in May, helped talk me out of it by telling me that resigning would play right into the hands of the Board members in question. By the time September rolled around, I was once again disgusted. So was one other Board member, who had approached me on it. Then Nicole reached her limit and decided to throw in the towel. So, at the September meeting the three of us resigned and were immediately followed by a fourth Board member who had had enough as well. There were nine members total on that Board before the resignations. It remains to be seen if the rest of them and the membership at large got (or will ever get) the message. Nicole and I and the other two regsignees no longer attend any meetings.

This, however, did not diminish my involvement in the SO community. I still take a leadership role in a few online SO support groups. I'm also working on writing a book of SO stories and guidance. And, I still do some outreach with educational, health care groups, and other organizations on trans SO issues.

Through one of the aforementioned online groups, I met another SO with whom I've become friends. He's a guy whose wife decided she was F2M and he found himself going through some of the same things the rest of us SOs go through. He has decided to stick with his spouse through the transition. We met online, and since he lives in the same city my mother lives in, Nicole and I have met with him and his spouse on our visits to my mom and we've become friends.

Family Health
My mom was in and out of the hospital three times in the second half of the year. Her heart rate and blood pressure went out of control. The last time they thought she may have experienced some mini-strokes. She'd had a major stroke in 1992 that, luckily, left her unaffected. Each time she spent a couple days in the hospital while they tried to re-regulate her meds. Nicole and I went down to see her. While there we helped her find a lawyer, financial planner, and helped her get her affairs updated and in order. She is 87 now and unafraid of dying. Surprisingly enough, she still lives alone, cares for herself, and does her own driving and shopping. She has a pet parrot and a dog that keep her going so far. She walks every day and takes water aerobics for older people through the American Arthritis Foundation.

Nicole's dad was diagnosed with blocked arteries and bladder cancer. He had a tumor removed from his bladder in the fall. But, that yielded a diagnosis that meant removal of the bladder altogether. His doctors decided to treat the cancer first and the heart second because of the aggressive nature of the cancer. Unfortunately, in December when he had the bladder removed he also suffered a heart attack which the anesthesiologist suspected occurred in recovery. Despite the best efforts by all the doctors, Dad lost his battle three days after the surgery. The entire immediate family was with him the day he died. I'm sure he knew we were there somehow. It was very sad and painful for all, especially since it was unexpected. He was 75. Now both Nicole and I have lost our fathers. The loss of Nicole's dad right before the holidays made it that much more difficult to celebrate, but we managed. We all wanted the kids to have a Christmas.

La Fin
Well, that's about it in a nutshell. Maybe I'll get motivated to start writing again sometime soon.

Drastic Changes

One of the things that we SOs notice is drastic changes in our TG partners’ behavior and the wide variance of positions that drastic change can take on the spectrum of transition. It matters not to me whether the TG partner is a cross-dresser (CD), a transsexual (TS), or anything in between. I think of it as part self-esteem issue, part control issues, and a lot of times just plain bad behavior. And I don’t think the roots of these behaviors are necessarily in being transgendered. I think the roots go beyond that; I think the roots lie deeper in many cases. Oh, one more thing..... you know what else I notice? We SOs are not immune from these behaviors either! For now though, I’m addressing the TG partner.

Often, though not always, the SO finds out about their transgendered (TG) partner after there’s been a relationship commitment. I’m talking about marriage or some form of monogamous and exclusive relationship commitment here. An SO marries or enters into a relationship with a man (or a woman) and never expects a gender identity change. These things are not on our radar maps. So it’s no surprise that the SO who finds out about their TG partner feels most if not all of the following emotions: grief and mourning at the loss of a husband or wife, anger, isolation, denial, betrayal, depression. That said, I am not diminishing the feelings of the TG partner. This is from the SO’s point of view.

Of all the SOs I’ve spoken to and corresponded with the feelings are the same whether the TG nature of the partner is that of cross-dressing or transvestism or transsexualism. The range of SO emotions seems to center on drastic changes in status quo of the relationship and drastic changes in behavior. Let’s read some of the feelings expressed by some SOs. The names have been changed for privacy reasons, however the words are real and used with permission.

Intolerant, selfish, and uncompromising? Hmmmmm - Intolerant: he thinks it's easy for a wife of many years to just jump on the bandwagon and accept the fact that her marriage has become something unrecognizable? It takes a long time to come to terms with that - that's not intolerance. Selfish? Yes. He is doing everything that HE needs to do, to become a woman. The only thing selfish about a TS in is EVERYTHING. No matter how sensitive they may be to your needs, the TS is totally self-centered, and any "give" on their part is done with torrents of complaints that you are in their way and keeping them from getting to their goal by yesterday. Been there. Uncompromising? Ran into that one too. Somehow, the word "compromise" loses something in translation when used in TS language - it means YOU give. They give nothing. Compromise means you move slowly to THEIR position. The only compromise on their part may be (if you are lucky like I was) the willingness to slow down so you can struggle with this and stay on board. But do THEY give up anything? No. Do you give up anything? You bet. Of course, they may find that they end up giving up other things, like some family members and perhaps a career, but in the personal relationship with you, they don't give up anything.
- Mary Beth, wife of a post-op TS M2F

There is always room for compromise, of course, unless one or both of 
you is simply unwilling to make the attempt. It is (probably) true that once the pressure to "come out" gets to a certain point, it's mighty hard (and 
destructive) to stuff that cat back into the bag. On the other hand, it is a time in which one or both of you--
preferably both--really need to slow way down. There is no justification for anyone being overly demanding, or abusive, or 
insensitive, but, nonetheless, stuff happens. If your spouse is TS and 
has just given himself permission to let it be, then it is also possible that he is overwhelmed by all the implications and is acting out of desperation and fear. Doesn't excuse things, but it may explain them. You on the other hand, are being the victim of all this sudden emotion-charged behavior, while, at the same time, suddenly being 
asked -- expected, even -- to turn your identity inside out and become a 
same-sex partner. It is very easy for him to respond in extremes. Some of it is engrained, some is the hormones. For him it’s handing you an ultimatum, demanding you see HIS therapist together, etc., making it your job to understand and accommodate him. For you, it's seeing all this as impossible, irrational, crazy, and distasteful, and figuring how the hell can you get out of this mess.
- Stanley, husband of a pre-op TS F2M

So what am I trying to point out here; where am I going with this? I’m glad you asked!

There’s no doubt that many SOs experience bad behavior on the part of their TG partners. I see it over and over. Unfortunately this is also the bad behavior that ends relationships or at least makes them toxic. And there are, no doubt, many reasons for this bad behavior. One is the hormone rushes of estrogen or testosterone. The TG partner goes through a second puberty. How many of us remember the obnoxious and idiotic behavior of our kids (or ourselves) as this puberty occurred? Be real, now, and honest! It’s a horrible time for most people to go through, both for the person experiencing it as well as for the family and friends also experiencing it. Most kids experiencing puberty do not have a life of experience to rely upon in order to moderate bad behavior. Kids are still learning and modeling behaviors. For an adult F2M or M2F going through this (statistically most are over 45, but this is changing) there is no excuse for bad behavior unless the person never learned what acceptable behavior is to begin with.

I once said that a louse is a louse is a louse. What I meant when I said that was that if a person is a louse from the get-go, their entire life, they never had good behavior to model after, then they will still be a louse about being TG and they will still be a louse about transitioning if that’s their path of choice. If they have self-esteem issues, control issues, and sometimes just behave badly, then transitioning isn’t going to change that. Going through a second puberty, feeling the freedom of transitioning or of dressing, being free of secrets (whether temporary, part-time, or full-time) is not an excuse for being an ass. There is a certain amount of selfishness that is good. Any counselor will tell you that. Sometimes we do need to be selfish for ourselves. But to do it at the expense of a relationship or other people is another matter. One SO said that her husband’s transition was undertaken at

“… breakneck speed, full throttle, as if nothing else mattered. I felt like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter, the kids didn’t matter, it was all about him and the hell with what we were feeling, experiencing, or thought. Within a year we went from zero to FFS, hormones, and full-time. And I’m supposed to accept this? Screw it! If he doesn’t slow down he can accept a divorce!”
- Janice, wife of a pre-op TS M2F

That kind of behavior is some of what I’m talking about (of the TG partner and of the SO). And it happens more often than you might think. While the TG partner is busy ruminating over their transition they give little to no thought of the SO’s transition. Go back and re-read what Mary Beth said. I believe that once the TG partner has decided to come out of the closet and transition they then tend to forget the others that are involved. The TG partner thinks that they’ve been closeted for so long that the euphoria of coming out seems to mask the fact that the SO is just finding out about this. The TG partner has known for some time that they are TG. Most have known the majority of their lives. We SOs find out when (1) we catch them or (2) they tell us. Then we’re often expected to “transition” to this new life over night…. The life of the TG partner is usually one they had most of a lifetime to know about. We SOs usually have much less time to adjust to this. Some of us have a hard enough time understanding the whole TG issue(s), and on top of all that we are learning that the relationship we thought we had (presenting as a hetero couple, a lesbian or gay couple) is about to take a left turn. Hello?

So where does this leave us? I think that most successful relationships of TG partners and their SOs exist because there has been respectful communication and consideration of the parties involved. Counseling definitely helps. And the successes are born in the shared values, respect, and humility of a good, positive relationship. Consequently, when a TG partner wants to come out to their SO they might want to do it slowly, honestly, and with the respect and consideration they might wish for themselves if the situation were reversed. Give your SOs time to process the range of emotions (grief and mourning at the loss of a husband/wife/partner, anger, isolation, denial, betrayal, depression) we go through. Our transition will not happen over night any more than yours will.

Separate - Why Set Ourselves Apart?

This is a column I wrote for a newsletter for a TG support organizaiton I belong to. A friend is the editor and she asked if I'd write a column. So, I did!

I thought long and hard about a topic for this column. I settled on this one because I believe it reflects a reality that few in the Transgender community talk about or acknowledge. Some may argue with that statement. However, this is a topic that simply reflects my thoughts and feelings about this subject. Everybody is free to disagree!

Why is it that some in each group of people on this earth can only feel empowered when they try to strip others of their humanity, or when they feel the need to set themselves apart? I’ve seen this as much among the SOs (significant others) of transgender (transsexual, crossdresser, queer – pick a set of words) people as in any other group. One of the mail lists for SOs that I belong to had a thread that absolutely boggled my mind. One lady (let’s call her “Josey”) had just found out a few months ago that her crossdressing husband really wanted to transition through being full-time and having surgery, and asked for some positive ideas and help on how to deal with it. She clearly stated that she wished to stay in the marriage and “work it out.”

I’d say that nearly 90% of the responses to Josey were from women who were leaving, were separated, or had already left and/or divorced their TG partners/spouses. In fact, a majority of the responses to Josey came from women who had been divorced from their TG partners/spouses for more than five years. Some of their TG partners/spouses had fully transitioned through SRS and some hadn’t. Josey queried the list as to why so many of the respondents were no longer with their partners. Josey commented that she thought the list was only for the “active” (my quotes) partners, not “past” (my quotes) partners/spouses of TG people. The description, Josey went on to say, states: “The XXXXX mailing list is an email list for genetic (born) FEMALE PARTNERS of MtF (Male to Female) transgendered folk including, but not limited to, crossdressers, pre-op transsexuals, post-op transsexuals, non-op transsexuals and transvestites).” What bumfuzzled me was the pure vitriol that came back to Josey when she questioned why some members of the group had been divorced for so long and still considered themselves SOs. The vast majority of the respondents literally attacked her. They never seemed to consider her a newbie who, maybe, was just learning the ropes, who didn’t understand the group dynamics yet, who was just seeking to understand the anger and obvious negativity of the ex-wives (who were all telling her to “run” or leave her partner). Most of the respondents also told Josey to leave her marriage, or to confront her spouse, to tell him that she’d leave him if he proceeded, all manner of threatening things that, based on her stated desire to remain in the marriage, were probably very unhelpful. And, they questioned Josey’s membership on the list. Josey was so affected by all the negativity that she left the group within days.

The ex-wives almost used Josey’s enquiry as a sort of call to arms for justifying the anger and hurt they seemed unable to let go of otherwise. Furthermore, the ex-wives went on to tell Josey that they belonged, that they had a right to belong, that if Josey didn’t like it she could go off and form her own group! The ex-wives seemed so wrapped up in their own whatever (anger, hurt, you name it) that they never seemed to connect with what they possibly shared with Josey or how they might help each other. Josey, unbeknownst to herself, had provided canon fodder to an angry flock!

Now, I ask you: does any of this remind you of anything? Seriously! Well, let’s see…. We recently saw in this very publication a letter from a member who said she felt we should “rise up above petty gender roles.” She said she didn’t think she fit in with XXXX (I'm keeping the name of the organization private!) and asked if we were really “open as a community to self-expression.” The author of the essay pondered why XXXX seemed (to her) to place too much importance on names, dressing, and impersonation. Is there separateness (perceived or real) in XXXX? At the other end of the spectrum we have Frannie O’Grady, Sharon Gaughan, and Lisa Jain Thompson who seem to have formed a 501(c)(3) corporation to espouse the separateness of transsexuals over others in the transgender community. These women are trying to set themselves apart in what I think is a negative way, and more than one of them has churned out some disparaging words about those in the transgender community who are not “born transsexual,” as they say. So, is one transgender person necessarily better than another? Frannie, Sharon, and Lisa seem to think so. Is this separateness? I think it's a fair question. The list goes on, so I’ll stop with these ends of the spectrum because I think you know where I’m going with this.

I mean really!!!! Have we learned nothing from Stonewall or the Compton’s Cafeteria riot (this is the 40th anniversary of the riot, btw!) or any of the multitude of events that have shaped anti-discrimination in this country when it comes to GLBT specific issues? Create your labels and define them as you will and fight over who threw the first bottle, but at both Stonewall and Compton’s there were trans people along with the gays and lesbians. (See an interesting history rendered by Leslie Feinberg for more facts.)

The point here is not some infantile desire to fight to be first in line like many of us did in the first grade! The point is to work together as a community, not as a fractious group of people who are so filled with self-import that they can’t see beyond themselves, much less help themselves. If one looks at history, it’s plainly obvious what separateness does and what negativity it spews. Ask any African American or Native American Indian person! Heck, ask anyone who is “different!”

I don’t like separateness. I do like education and respect. How about a little of that? SOs should not seek their own separateness above others any more than transsexuals…. or anyone else, for that matter.

Ride For Life

As many of you know, Nicole participated in the American Diabetes Association’s (ADA) Tour de Cure on June 11. The Tour takes place in over 80 cities nationwide to benefit ADA. Nicole decided to ride in the Tour in Stillwater, NY, near Albany since she has family in the area. That way we could visit aunts, uncles, and cousins and ride as well. Nicole was on the Delmar Chain Gang Team with her cousin, Chris, and nine of his work-mates. Chris and some others were riding the 50-mile course, Nicole and three others were doing the 25 miler, one was doing the 75 miler, and one was doing the 100 miler. In all there were about 1000 total riders in the Tour in Stillwater. I should say that although written from my perspective, this article has been a joint collaboration with Nicole.

We took off from Maryland on Thursday morning. Driving up to Albany was uneventful, but rainy most of the way. We arrived late in the afternoon, called cousin Patti to let everyone know we had arrived and to ask for some dinner suggestions. We ended up eating at a steakhouse right next door to our hotel. Friday we visited with family most of the day, attended a graduation, and celebrated Nicole’s cousin Chris’ birthday over dinner.

Saturday at 11am we met Chris and drove 24 miles up to Stillwater where the ride courses were located. We drove the 25 and 50 mile courses to check out the lay of the land, the road conditions, and……. the……… dreaded……. hills. It never hurts to be prepared! Bear in mind that Albany had broken a record for rain in the month preceding the ride. They were investigating the building of an ark! So, while it rained on the check-out ride, we prayed for dry, cool weather for Sunday. After the ride check we visited some more with family and old childhood buddies. We had to do a little shopping because we weren’t ready for the cool temps in Albany. Last year the temps were in the high 90s, but it was supposed to be in the high 50s and low 60s for Nicole’s ride. We needed a sweatshirt for me, and some riding tights for Nicole to keep her legs warm. After dinner with family it was off to bed for the big day. Before bed we checked the weather: cool temps, wind, no rain!

We got up at 6am, got dressed, mounted the bike on the car, and took off for Stillwater. Half an hour later at 7:30 we arrived at Stillwater Central High, the departure point. It was abuzz with activity. The 100 and 75 milers had already taken off. Nicole went to register.



I had volunteered to be a photographer so I had to register as a volunteer. Since Nicole had raised over $2000 (thanks to many of you!), she was considered a “Champion for Diabetes” for her efforts, and had a little special treatment. She even earned a whole new riding outfit with all the ride logos on it (shorts, shirt, and socks)! After that we went to the cafeteria



where Panera was providing a free breakfast. There was no caffeine, but plenty of good and not-so-good carbs!

In one corner of the cafeteria was a bastion of ham radio operators. These guys were volunteers who stationed themselves at ride rest stops and other points along all the courses and reported back to “HQ” various kinds of status information.



They also had a computer and projector where they projected ongoing, live ride status for each ride on a wall. Spills, accidents, and the like received prompt attention. On the road there were also support vehicles for riders needing assistance with bike problems like flats.

Nicole went off to warm up and pump up the tires



while I proceeded to the starting line to photograph the 50 milers’ departure. Some people were actually getting last minute repairs and tweaks to their bikes.



At 9am it was time for Nicole’s group to start the 25 miler. I gave her a kiss for good luck and positioned myself to photograph the start. The 25-mile group was the largest of all the groups riding and consisted of people aged 8 to 72! There were all kinds of bikes including $4000 professional bikes, WalMart specials, and everything in between; there were even two tandems.



As soon as the riders were off I made my way to the car. Since none of the other volunteer photographers were going to photograph the riders on the road, I volunteered to follow Nicole’s pack for the whole ride. I hopped in the car and caught up with the pack of about 15 riders that Nicole was in. Her pack was at the head of the 25-miler group.



Nicole will tell you this…. most of the course was a gentle uphill climb the whole way, with some other mean hills. Funny thing is that it was about 12 miles northeast up the Hudson River, crossing over a bridge, 13 miles southwest down the other side of the river, and crossing over a bridge again. And, she rode in a 10-13 mph headwind the whole way upriver and back, too! Go figure….. It was kind of like when your grandfather tells you about the times he had to walk to school barefoot in the snow up hill both ways in gale-force winds! But it was true for Nicole!!



There were two rest stops along the 25-mile route staffed by volunteers offering cheers, water and Gatorade, restroom facilities, and all sorts of food to energize the riders. Nicole availed herself of both stops. Very few of the riders bypassed them. While the weather cooperated temp-wise, the hills and the wind tired them out as much as the heat.



I kept driving a mile or two ahead of Nicole’s pack. I’d find a driveway or something to pull into to get off the road. Then I’d position myself to take some shots. When Nicole rode by, I’d capture her and the rest of the pack and drive on again. In all I stopped about 10 times plus the two rest stops. The other riders got to know me and I’d encourage them and cheer them on.

One hour and 35 minutes later Nicole’s pack began to roll in.



At one hour and 42 minutes she came around the corner off Hudson Avenue and into the school parking area where the ride ends. She rolled in and stopped in front of the check-in area.



I gave her a kiss and a hug. After that it was off to a free massage for those tired and crampy leg muscles.



After that is was a free pasta lunch courtesy of the Macaroni Grill.



I had shot a total of 522 pictures (all using Nicole's really cool Canon Rebel XT digital SLR!). After lunch, I transfered them all to my Mac, burned them on a DVD, and gave them to the ADA staff person managing the hole event. She was thrilled to get the pix so fast. Then we went back to the hotel for some well-deserved showers and rest.

We had dinner with Chris, who finished his ride in five and a half hours, and cousin Patti. We then returned to the hotel and went to bed early. We came home the next day.

Peace Of Mind

What's it worth to you? "Peace of mind" usually means the absence of mental stress or anxiety. There's even a song titled "Peace Of Mind" by Boston.

Now if you're feeling kinda low about the dues you've been paying
Future’s coming much too slow
And you wanna run but somehow you just keep on staying
Can't decide on which way to go

I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People living in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Now you're climbing to the top of the company ladder
Hope it doesn't take too long
Can't you see there'll come a day when it won't matter
Come a day when you'll be gone

I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People living in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead, take a look ahead...

Now everybody's got advice they just keep on giving
Doesn't mean too much to me
Lots of people out to make-believe they're living
Can't decide who they should be.

I understand about indecision
But I don't care if I get behind
People living in competition
All I want is to have my peace of mind.

Take a look ahead; take a look ahead. Look ahead.

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to me. I'm not sure I can really relate to all the lyrics, but I can relate to the concept. Peace of mind.... It means trust, it means being comfortable in a relationship, it means knowing you are loved unconditionally and accepted, it means peace in places where one hasn't had complete peace before.

For me, I can't look ahead anymore and not have Nicole there. That's my peace of mind. It's not that I can't live without her; I know I can if I have to. However, I choose to have her in my life.... now and in all my future.

My baby's riding for the cure! Yep, she's doing the American Diabetes Association Tour de Cure for 2006. If you want to contribute to her fund raising efforts and help her reach her goal and support a very worthy cause, click here. And thanx!!!

The ride Nicole's participating in is 25 miles long and is up in New York, in the Albany area. We'll go up in June a few days before the ride, visit with her family. The ride is on Sunday, June 11. Nicole will be riding with her cousin's hubby and his local Albany team.

Perfect Enough

We went to see Kinky Boots last night. I really liked it. What a neat movie; it's impossible not to like it! I found it uplifting. It comes out in national distribution in a week or two.

It's a movie by the director of Calendar Girls. It's about a guy whose dad dies and leaves him the family dynasty - a men's shoe factory. He teams up with an employee and a feisty female impersonator in order to save the factor, and the rest is a hilarious, poigniant, but predictable heartwarming story.

There's a line in the movie by Lola, the female impersonator. "Besides," she tells Charlie the factory owner at discrimination felt at the hand of his employees, "one never knows what joy one might find amongst the unwanted and abandoned."

That reminded me of a song by our good friends the singer/songwriters, Paul Iwancio and Nita Paul. The song is called Perfect Enough, and it was actually written by Nita Paul, his partner; they sing it as a duet. The movie and the song made me think about expectations people have of each other.

Most of us are hung up on looks, weight, hair, you name it. But what's really important? Those things or other things like core values, love, compassion.... you know.. the things you can't see, but you can feel and sense. For me perfection and reality don't mix; they are not of the same ilk. But people seek perfection all the time. This country has become hooked on reality with all these reality shows. And the irony is that these reality shows are about the most imperfect people! So why can't things just be perfect enough?