Moving Forward Backwards?

I've been wanting to write about this for some time. Since Nicole has just had her labiaplasty and BA (breast augmentation) surgeries (documented here) I have thought about this more and more. There's also the fact that we talked about this (not for the first time either) last night. So, here goes....

For quite a while, since Nicole went full time in August 2004, I have been observing many of our friends and others who are transgender, reading up on all sorts of related blogs and websites, and talking to people about this whole transition process of males becoming females. There's a whole spectrum, granted. But what I've been looking at is mostly those people who go through the surgery(ies) or at least go full-time. I am not talking about people who claim to go full-time, but really aren't (these people flip-flop back and forth because of family, work, or other reasons; but the main point here is that they aren't 100% full-time all of the time). I am talking about what I'll call the real full-timers. Sorry if this offends anyone, but I am simply trying to define the parameters of what I am writing about.

I have to say for those who don't know me, that I am a genetic woman. I have been trained from birth on how to behave, act, be, talk, walk, whatever through socialization, culturalization, and expectation. I didn't ask for this; it happened because my gender at birth happened to be determined to be female. My family, my friends, my schools, work, all of these have contributed to my femaledom or whatever you want to call it. The point is that society and culture have helped to mold or influence my birth gender. I was taught at a very young age how to act, that little girls didn't do this, that little girls should do that. When I exhibited behavior that wasn't little girl-like it was pointed out to me. I don't remember being humiliated or embarrassed, but I do remember being told these things by family members, teachers, and others. So, I feel like I've been in "training" for my entire life.

As Nicole transitioned I began to observe changes in her. She already had modified many of her behaviors to accommodate a feminine lifestyle way before I met her. And she readily admitted more than once that she still had a lot to learn. Her choice, already made, was to live life as a lesbian, thus stating her preference for women. She told me many times that she had much to learn as a woman and as a lesbian. There were times she asked for my opinion and times that I offered it even when she didn't ask. This ranged from the way she acted, walked, looked, etc. Nicole grew up as a male. Her childhood, by her own account, was typically male. She did little boy things, and lived and played and was brought up as a boy. As a teen she began cross-dressing, but had no benefit of sharing that with anyone because she knew, inherently, that this felt weird or wrong (by societal norms). She continued cross-dressing on and off through college and marriage. Late in her thirties this secret was part of what ended her marriage. Shortly after that she realized she wasn't just a cross-dresser, but was a transsexual and needed to transition fully. I'm speeding through her story, but it serves my point. A link to her website is on the left side of this page. From there you can go to her blog or skip that and simply click here.

Throughout all this Nicole learned more and more about being a woman. But, she still had a lot of "catching up" to do in that she didn't have the benefit of growing up female. Which brings me to one observation about her: in all the time I've known her, through all we've been through together, through the transition of going full-time and through the surgeries, she has never claimed or said that she is now a woman. In fact, she has referred to herself as an unfinished project. At first I thought she might be referring to the surgeries not being all done (which now they are), but in talking about it with her I have come to realize that while this was part of it, she is also aware that surgery does not complete the woman.

And that brings me to my central thought that I am writing about. Nicole gets it. Unfortunately, I don't see a lot of other transsexual women getting it. I do know some that do; but, they aren't the majority. That is to say I've gotten the distinct impression that many M2Fs who have transitioned through SRS (and a few who are just full-time and have no intention of having surgery) have this impression that they are "done" and that they are now women. It's almost as if a switch gets thrown with surgery and Bing! they become real women afterwards. "I've got the vagina - I'm done!!" From what I've observed, I rather think not!!

Remember, now, this is my opinion born of stated observations and discussions with M2Fs. This isn't a scientific study, but I can assure you that my thoughts are not original in any way. Many others have thought and stated the same as I am doing here. This is something that most significant others/wives of M2Fs inherently know, but many deny for various reasons, and the M2Fs themselves, by and large don't get/know. And that is that surgery (or full-time status) does not make the woman. You don't simply achieve woman-hood or female status this way. Genetic females go through years of socialization, learning, training, and culturalization that an M2F simply does not have the benefit of. "There's a difference between acting like a woman and being a woman.... Acting like a woman or acting female is not enough," Nicole said to me last night when we talked about this. "It does not make you female." I just don't think many transsexual women truly get this. Many certainly don't act like they do. The fact that Nicole gets it is only one of the many, many reasons I respect her so much.

How do I know all this about M2Fs? Heh..... Because many still act like men! Those ingrained behaviors are hard to change or even recognize. Some act more like men than others. And, mind you, this is not a criticism as much as an observation. I cannot imagine that it is easy to unlearn all that male socialization and culturalization that they have had a lifetime of exposure to (any more than it would be for a woman to become a man). A person cannot become the opposite gender overnight. It's a lifelong, progressive process that has to be lived over time.

Okay, so why am I writing about this?? Well, because I think this is one of the reasons why some M2F relationships don't work. I belong to a few support groups for significant others/spouses of M2Fs. One of the most common threads I see in the discussions is the wives complaining that although their spouses have begun transition or already have transitioned, they still act like men. A lot of the women talk about how their spouses are real jerks; they say the spouses are selfish, jerks, and the list goes on. But I think some of their comments are rooted in some denial. Here's why....

Having Nicole on hormones has been interesting. Yes, she can get PMSie. She also has hot flashes occasionally. When these things occur I just tell her, "Welcome to my world!" One thing I really don't think a lot of spouses/significant others get or understand or appreciate is the fact that when our spouses go on hormones, they compress in less than a year what we (as genetic women) went through for about 3-5 years or longer. It's called puberty. And last I recall, it wasn't pleasant for anyone I know! Sometimes I just feel like telling spouses/significant others to chill. Are the TG spouses selfish? You bet! Can they be real pains? Yes! Do they obsess about themselves? Oh, God, yes! Is this pretty normal? Yes!!! If someone could play back a video tape of our own years in puberty, I'm sure a few spouses/significant others would be shocked. A little reality never hurts... We were once that way, too, you know?!?! Obnoxious as hell? You bet!! If you have teenagers in the house you know what I'm talking about!!

Another thing spouses/significant others don't seem to appreciate is the fact that we've had the benefit (maybe not always a benefit in this society!) of being brought up and socialized as females. Our TG spouses/significant others haven't. They have to compress that into a lesser time span, and they don't have that lifetime learning experience we do. I think this is another reason for selfishness.

A lot of the comments I've seen and conversations I've had with spouses/significant others have focused on the selfishness and poor behavior of their TG spouses. And they blame that for their failed relationships and unhappiness instead of really looking at the core of the relationship. In a nutshell, I hear two predominant themes. One has to do with selfishness (which I touched on above) and the other has to do with what I'll call poor behavior. By poor behavior I'm mostly talking about the secrets TG spouses keep from their wives/significant others. My experience is that most TG spouses do not tell their wives/significant others about their true selves before dating or even marriage. Somewhere along the line it comes out and this serves to deliver a serious blow to most relationships. It affects trust for starters. But, I think that if a relationship is founded on the fundamentals of not just trust, but respect, love, compassion, and other real values, then there is a core present that can help overcome a serious blow to a large extent. This isn't to say that some good counseling and maybe other things wouldn't help either.

I hear these wives/significant others complain that their TG spouses are real assholes, that they are selfish, that they neglect their children not to mention their wives/significant others, and on and on and on. I wonder... do these relationships have strong foundations to begin with? Do these people really know each other? Or do they see/know only what they want to see/know?

I say let's face it. No matter how perfect you think your marriage or relationship is, you can find out in a heartbeat that the reality of truth (or lies/secrets as the case may be) can destroy a relationship founded on the wrong things in the snap of some fingers. If your spouse turns into a total selfish, self-centered asshole for a very long time, then he/she wasn't so perfect to begin with. Maybe they were an asshole all along! I don't care what you say. People can go through most, if not all, of their lives with their eyes half closed, choosing to see only what they want to see. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt and it isn't just a coping mechanism; for some it's a way of life. I think this is why secrets can destroy when they come out. Some TG spouses go through a selfish stage for a year or two. Hormones have a lot to do with it. Discovering self and going through puberty can do strange things!! For me two years would be about the limit. Because if they're in counseling, that's about the length of time it takes them to experience puberty and then settle down and pull their heads out of their asses! Especially if they have kids. And if there are no secrets, but there isn't a strong enough foundation to survive a change in course for a relationship, then perhaps the relationship wasn't as strong as it was believed to be.... or maybe it wasn't meant to work out in the long run. Sometimes that just happens.

But I don't think many wives/significant others stop to think about this quite so rationally (another reason why counseling can help them, too!). They think they have this perfect relationship. Then they find out he is a she and all hell breaks loose because they are loosing the man they thought they married. Sometimes I wonder how well people really know themselves or each other when they get married....

Just as there is no instant womanhood after SRS, so perhaps is there no perfect marriage. Relationships take work, no matter how strong. And there's no doubt that a relationship with a TG spouse adds a level of "work" that can serve to really define that relationship.

That other thing that I see affecting relationships is respect. Sometimes I see these M2Fs getting so caught up in themselves that they fail to respect the fact that (excuse me!) the world does not revolve around them (this is part of the rectal cranial inversion I referred to earlier). And they don't respect the very women they seek to become!! To even try to insinuate that they are instant women after surgery is very insulting to most genetic women. Stop and think about it! Put the shoe on the other foot. And then tell me it doesn't look like an imposter!

To transition into womanhood one has to become a student of female life. It doesn't happen over night or by virtue of a scalpel. It's a progression. It takes adaptation and a willingness to change. It takes a lifetime... from whenever life began.

There's a Jackson Brown song called For a Dancer and one of the verses contains the lyrics:

Just do the steps that you've been shown
By everyone you've ever known
Until the dance becomes your very own