And In The End The Love You Take Is Equal To The Love You Make

You wouldn't believe the response I've gotten from my last post! Wow!! It interests me that most of the positive responses have come from TG spouses and most of the negative responses have come from their wives/SOs. Hmmmmm... What does that say?

So, it seems that wives/SOs are really mad that my post, in their opinion, defends the actions of the TG spouse. That was far from my intent. I do not condone the bad behavior of anyone. Period. What I do sanction is communication, understanding, respect, empathy and sympathy, things like that. What I hope for is that people go into relationships with their eyes open. Falling in love is great. Don't get me wrong. But at some point that falling in love feeling diminishes and the relationship needs more to sustain it. Being in love and falling in love are two different things. I think being in love is predicated on non-physical things (read sex). Core values do far more to sustain relationships over time than anything else. And let's face it, if you are not in touch with your core values or don't have any, if you are bound by shame or anger, are unhappy, or don't like yourself, then trying to focus on a relationship with another person just simply isn't going to work. You have to focus on yourself first. And that is part of what the TG spouse is trying to do when they "come out." Wives/SOs need to do this, too! But more to the point, I think wives/SOs need to try to understand what the TG spouse is really going through. I'm talking about what's going on inside of them (the fear, the shame, the secrets, etc.). Again, this is not an excuse for bad behavior. It's a plea for some understanding.

We, as wives/SOs often have a hard time with that. Why? Mark Epstein, psychiatrist and NYU professor has written at length about self-esteem and psychotherapy. One of the things he says is, "the happiness that we seek depends on our ability to balance the ego's need to do with our inherent capacity to be." Epstein says that we should relax the mind in order to experience the freedom that comes from relinquishing control. He talks about how we need to tolerate more of and from each other. So what am I saying? I'm talking about tolerance and understanding for starters... on both sides.

When a TG spouse "comes out" they experience a freedom. It's the freedom of relieving themselves of a huge secret, of finding their real self. Many go on hormones, go full-time, and many go through therapy and SRS. Yes, they go through puberty, but that has an end.... sooner or later. Puberty doesn't last forever. When that settles down, and they begin to grow into their new self, their core values don't fundamentally change. Of course, this is providing they have core values to start with. In their "growth" period, their core values may change a little, but the basis usually stays the same.

So, this brings me back to my point made in the previous post about my thesis that if the TG spouse was a louse to begin with, then chances are they are going to still be a louse unless they discover and adjust to some new core values. That doesn't happen overnight if at all! And that brings me to wondering why we, as wives/SOs act so surprised when our TG spouses act out and behave badly! I made the point in the last post that relationships built on solid foundations of shared values, respect, and love can survive most obstacles. People see what they want to see in each other. If they choose not to see the truth, then why act surprised when it pops out! Subject for another analysis, I suppose... But when the foundation isn't there in a relationship, and we try to control everything but ourselves, then our relationships can fall apart. For me, the question is whether couples have a solid relationship to begin with. And....did they really know each other? Remember... if the spouse is a louse and the core values aren't really shared, much less known, then failure is an option! The problem is that many wives/SOs of TG partners are no different than other wives/SOs of non-TG partners. And so, like the others, they choose to see what they want to see in a relationship. When the TG spouse comes out, changes, grows beyond whatever they were, then the wife/SO is left floundering. This is where solid foundations can help open lines of communication that can help get couples through this. And I'm talking about two-way communication here as well as c-o-u-n-s-e-l-i-n-g!

I've been asked by many how I came to think this way and how I formulated this philosophy of mine. Secrets! And spending time thinking about why some of my past relationships were the way they were. I grew up in a family that had lots and lots of secrets and little respect. Some secrets were small, some pretty horrible, some in-between. But as far as I'm concerned, no secret is a good secret! I kept my fair share, too, until I realized that they controlled me and were making me very unhappy. I was in my early 40s when I came to that brilliant conclusion. A great counselor helped me understand how to work through all that. I also learned that in order to find the love and respect of others, I had to love and respect myself first. That's different from being selfish. So, I began a journey of finding my self (two words intended).

All this gets me back to relationships between TG spouses and their wives/SOs. If there's a secret, and it comes out at some point in the relationship, then how it's dealt with by both people will, to a large degree, determine what happens in the relationship's future. Some wives/SOs say they can't handle a "he" who becomes a "she." They say they had a relationship with a man and they still want a relationship with a man. They want that penis for having sex. Fine. Nothing wrong with that. However, (and this is where my thoughts diverge from those of many other wives/SOs) if the relationship desired is one with the partner, and if the relationship desired is one of honesty, respect, love, empathy, all the things I've been talking about, then perhaps the wife/SO can think about doing some of the changing as well. This, of course is predicated on their not giving up on their own personal core beliefs, and on working through the anger and hurt they feel at the TG spouse. My bottom line is this: if the core beliefs are shared, if the love and respect is there, what's the difference between a penis and a vagina?? I mean really, fundamentally, is it the person we love or is it the sex or is it the fear of change or being different (which society has done a hell of a job in teaching us that different isn't good)? For me it's simply the soul of the person, the spirituality, who they are as opposed to what they are, and if we share that then the rest is easy. You just have to work at it. And if it doesn't work, then it doesn't work. I just see so many who don't even try. And that's what bugs me. Bitching about it is okay; but bitching about it and doing nothing to try to change it is what I'm talking about.

With Nicole and I there are the shared core values and all the things I've been discussing. Some people like to think that I think the way I do because I'm a lesbian and now that Nicole has had surgery I'm dealing with what I know. That couldn't be farther from the truth. I fell in love with the core of who Nicole is. And I told her more than once (and you can read about it in her blog and on her website) that it mattered not to me whether or not she had surgery. I told her it was her body and she had to be comfortable with it. I told her that changing any part of it would not adversely affect our relationship. And I meant it. And she knows it. The mere fact that she could have chosen to keep the body she was born with is something I would have chosen to adapt to if she had chosen not to undergo SRS. And that's the whole point for me!

Gloria Gaynor had it right! In the disco remix of her song, I Am What I Am, she starts with:

It takes a lifetime to become the best that we can be;
We have not the time or the right to judge each other.
It’s one life, and there’s no return, no deposit.
One life! So make sure you like what’s in your closet!

So, maybe Lennon and McCartney had it right.... in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.