Separate - Why Set Ourselves Apart?

This is a column I wrote for a newsletter for a TG support organizaiton I belong to. A friend is the editor and she asked if I'd write a column. So, I did!

I thought long and hard about a topic for this column. I settled on this one because I believe it reflects a reality that few in the Transgender community talk about or acknowledge. Some may argue with that statement. However, this is a topic that simply reflects my thoughts and feelings about this subject. Everybody is free to disagree!

Why is it that some in each group of people on this earth can only feel empowered when they try to strip others of their humanity, or when they feel the need to set themselves apart? I’ve seen this as much among the SOs (significant others) of transgender (transsexual, crossdresser, queer – pick a set of words) people as in any other group. One of the mail lists for SOs that I belong to had a thread that absolutely boggled my mind. One lady (let’s call her “Josey”) had just found out a few months ago that her crossdressing husband really wanted to transition through being full-time and having surgery, and asked for some positive ideas and help on how to deal with it. She clearly stated that she wished to stay in the marriage and “work it out.”

I’d say that nearly 90% of the responses to Josey were from women who were leaving, were separated, or had already left and/or divorced their TG partners/spouses. In fact, a majority of the responses to Josey came from women who had been divorced from their TG partners/spouses for more than five years. Some of their TG partners/spouses had fully transitioned through SRS and some hadn’t. Josey queried the list as to why so many of the respondents were no longer with their partners. Josey commented that she thought the list was only for the “active” (my quotes) partners, not “past” (my quotes) partners/spouses of TG people. The description, Josey went on to say, states: “The XXXXX mailing list is an email list for genetic (born) FEMALE PARTNERS of MtF (Male to Female) transgendered folk including, but not limited to, crossdressers, pre-op transsexuals, post-op transsexuals, non-op transsexuals and transvestites).” What bumfuzzled me was the pure vitriol that came back to Josey when she questioned why some members of the group had been divorced for so long and still considered themselves SOs. The vast majority of the respondents literally attacked her. They never seemed to consider her a newbie who, maybe, was just learning the ropes, who didn’t understand the group dynamics yet, who was just seeking to understand the anger and obvious negativity of the ex-wives (who were all telling her to “run” or leave her partner). Most of the respondents also told Josey to leave her marriage, or to confront her spouse, to tell him that she’d leave him if he proceeded, all manner of threatening things that, based on her stated desire to remain in the marriage, were probably very unhelpful. And, they questioned Josey’s membership on the list. Josey was so affected by all the negativity that she left the group within days.

The ex-wives almost used Josey’s enquiry as a sort of call to arms for justifying the anger and hurt they seemed unable to let go of otherwise. Furthermore, the ex-wives went on to tell Josey that they belonged, that they had a right to belong, that if Josey didn’t like it she could go off and form her own group! The ex-wives seemed so wrapped up in their own whatever (anger, hurt, you name it) that they never seemed to connect with what they possibly shared with Josey or how they might help each other. Josey, unbeknownst to herself, had provided canon fodder to an angry flock!

Now, I ask you: does any of this remind you of anything? Seriously! Well, let’s see…. We recently saw in this very publication a letter from a member who said she felt we should “rise up above petty gender roles.” She said she didn’t think she fit in with XXXX (I'm keeping the name of the organization private!) and asked if we were really “open as a community to self-expression.” The author of the essay pondered why XXXX seemed (to her) to place too much importance on names, dressing, and impersonation. Is there separateness (perceived or real) in XXXX? At the other end of the spectrum we have Frannie O’Grady, Sharon Gaughan, and Lisa Jain Thompson who seem to have formed a 501(c)(3) corporation to espouse the separateness of transsexuals over others in the transgender community. These women are trying to set themselves apart in what I think is a negative way, and more than one of them has churned out some disparaging words about those in the transgender community who are not “born transsexual,” as they say. So, is one transgender person necessarily better than another? Frannie, Sharon, and Lisa seem to think so. Is this separateness? I think it's a fair question. The list goes on, so I’ll stop with these ends of the spectrum because I think you know where I’m going with this.

I mean really!!!! Have we learned nothing from Stonewall or the Compton’s Cafeteria riot (this is the 40th anniversary of the riot, btw!) or any of the multitude of events that have shaped anti-discrimination in this country when it comes to GLBT specific issues? Create your labels and define them as you will and fight over who threw the first bottle, but at both Stonewall and Compton’s there were trans people along with the gays and lesbians. (See an interesting history rendered by Leslie Feinberg for more facts.)

The point here is not some infantile desire to fight to be first in line like many of us did in the first grade! The point is to work together as a community, not as a fractious group of people who are so filled with self-import that they can’t see beyond themselves, much less help themselves. If one looks at history, it’s plainly obvious what separateness does and what negativity it spews. Ask any African American or Native American Indian person! Heck, ask anyone who is “different!”

I don’t like separateness. I do like education and respect. How about a little of that? SOs should not seek their own separateness above others any more than transsexuals…. or anyone else, for that matter.