Drastic Changes

One of the things that we SOs notice is drastic changes in our TG partners’ behavior and the wide variance of positions that drastic change can take on the spectrum of transition. It matters not to me whether the TG partner is a cross-dresser (CD), a transsexual (TS), or anything in between. I think of it as part self-esteem issue, part control issues, and a lot of times just plain bad behavior. And I don’t think the roots of these behaviors are necessarily in being transgendered. I think the roots go beyond that; I think the roots lie deeper in many cases. Oh, one more thing..... you know what else I notice? We SOs are not immune from these behaviors either! For now though, I’m addressing the TG partner.

Often, though not always, the SO finds out about their transgendered (TG) partner after there’s been a relationship commitment. I’m talking about marriage or some form of monogamous and exclusive relationship commitment here. An SO marries or enters into a relationship with a man (or a woman) and never expects a gender identity change. These things are not on our radar maps. So it’s no surprise that the SO who finds out about their TG partner feels most if not all of the following emotions: grief and mourning at the loss of a husband or wife, anger, isolation, denial, betrayal, depression. That said, I am not diminishing the feelings of the TG partner. This is from the SO’s point of view.

Of all the SOs I’ve spoken to and corresponded with the feelings are the same whether the TG nature of the partner is that of cross-dressing or transvestism or transsexualism. The range of SO emotions seems to center on drastic changes in status quo of the relationship and drastic changes in behavior. Let’s read some of the feelings expressed by some SOs. The names have been changed for privacy reasons, however the words are real and used with permission.

Intolerant, selfish, and uncompromising? Hmmmmm - Intolerant: he thinks it's easy for a wife of many years to just jump on the bandwagon and accept the fact that her marriage has become something unrecognizable? It takes a long time to come to terms with that - that's not intolerance. Selfish? Yes. He is doing everything that HE needs to do, to become a woman. The only thing selfish about a TS in is EVERYTHING. No matter how sensitive they may be to your needs, the TS is totally self-centered, and any "give" on their part is done with torrents of complaints that you are in their way and keeping them from getting to their goal by yesterday. Been there. Uncompromising? Ran into that one too. Somehow, the word "compromise" loses something in translation when used in TS language - it means YOU give. They give nothing. Compromise means you move slowly to THEIR position. The only compromise on their part may be (if you are lucky like I was) the willingness to slow down so you can struggle with this and stay on board. But do THEY give up anything? No. Do you give up anything? You bet. Of course, they may find that they end up giving up other things, like some family members and perhaps a career, but in the personal relationship with you, they don't give up anything.
- Mary Beth, wife of a post-op TS M2F

There is always room for compromise, of course, unless one or both of 
you is simply unwilling to make the attempt. It is (probably) true that once the pressure to "come out" gets to a certain point, it's mighty hard (and 
destructive) to stuff that cat back into the bag. On the other hand, it is a time in which one or both of you--
preferably both--really need to slow way down. There is no justification for anyone being overly demanding, or abusive, or 
insensitive, but, nonetheless, stuff happens. If your spouse is TS and 
has just given himself permission to let it be, then it is also possible that he is overwhelmed by all the implications and is acting out of desperation and fear. Doesn't excuse things, but it may explain them. You on the other hand, are being the victim of all this sudden emotion-charged behavior, while, at the same time, suddenly being 
asked -- expected, even -- to turn your identity inside out and become a 
same-sex partner. It is very easy for him to respond in extremes. Some of it is engrained, some is the hormones. For him it’s handing you an ultimatum, demanding you see HIS therapist together, etc., making it your job to understand and accommodate him. For you, it's seeing all this as impossible, irrational, crazy, and distasteful, and figuring how the hell can you get out of this mess.
- Stanley, husband of a pre-op TS F2M

So what am I trying to point out here; where am I going with this? I’m glad you asked!

There’s no doubt that many SOs experience bad behavior on the part of their TG partners. I see it over and over. Unfortunately this is also the bad behavior that ends relationships or at least makes them toxic. And there are, no doubt, many reasons for this bad behavior. One is the hormone rushes of estrogen or testosterone. The TG partner goes through a second puberty. How many of us remember the obnoxious and idiotic behavior of our kids (or ourselves) as this puberty occurred? Be real, now, and honest! It’s a horrible time for most people to go through, both for the person experiencing it as well as for the family and friends also experiencing it. Most kids experiencing puberty do not have a life of experience to rely upon in order to moderate bad behavior. Kids are still learning and modeling behaviors. For an adult F2M or M2F going through this (statistically most are over 45, but this is changing) there is no excuse for bad behavior unless the person never learned what acceptable behavior is to begin with.

I once said that a louse is a louse is a louse. What I meant when I said that was that if a person is a louse from the get-go, their entire life, they never had good behavior to model after, then they will still be a louse about being TG and they will still be a louse about transitioning if that’s their path of choice. If they have self-esteem issues, control issues, and sometimes just behave badly, then transitioning isn’t going to change that. Going through a second puberty, feeling the freedom of transitioning or of dressing, being free of secrets (whether temporary, part-time, or full-time) is not an excuse for being an ass. There is a certain amount of selfishness that is good. Any counselor will tell you that. Sometimes we do need to be selfish for ourselves. But to do it at the expense of a relationship or other people is another matter. One SO said that her husband’s transition was undertaken at

“… breakneck speed, full throttle, as if nothing else mattered. I felt like I didn’t matter, my feelings didn’t matter, the kids didn’t matter, it was all about him and the hell with what we were feeling, experiencing, or thought. Within a year we went from zero to FFS, hormones, and full-time. And I’m supposed to accept this? Screw it! If he doesn’t slow down he can accept a divorce!”
- Janice, wife of a pre-op TS M2F

That kind of behavior is some of what I’m talking about (of the TG partner and of the SO). And it happens more often than you might think. While the TG partner is busy ruminating over their transition they give little to no thought of the SO’s transition. Go back and re-read what Mary Beth said. I believe that once the TG partner has decided to come out of the closet and transition they then tend to forget the others that are involved. The TG partner thinks that they’ve been closeted for so long that the euphoria of coming out seems to mask the fact that the SO is just finding out about this. The TG partner has known for some time that they are TG. Most have known the majority of their lives. We SOs find out when (1) we catch them or (2) they tell us. Then we’re often expected to “transition” to this new life over night…. The life of the TG partner is usually one they had most of a lifetime to know about. We SOs usually have much less time to adjust to this. Some of us have a hard enough time understanding the whole TG issue(s), and on top of all that we are learning that the relationship we thought we had (presenting as a hetero couple, a lesbian or gay couple) is about to take a left turn. Hello?

So where does this leave us? I think that most successful relationships of TG partners and their SOs exist because there has been respectful communication and consideration of the parties involved. Counseling definitely helps. And the successes are born in the shared values, respect, and humility of a good, positive relationship. Consequently, when a TG partner wants to come out to their SO they might want to do it slowly, honestly, and with the respect and consideration they might wish for themselves if the situation were reversed. Give your SOs time to process the range of emotions (grief and mourning at the loss of a husband/wife/partner, anger, isolation, denial, betrayal, depression) we go through. Our transition will not happen over night any more than yours will.